This isn’t the first time that I’ve ever lost something. In fact, I tend to lose a lot of things, and usually life continues. You keep going because what is one thing in the context of the entirety of life. This time is different though. I could go with the clichés that I’ve been using and say that I’ve lost my future. That would be easy. But the truth is, I’ve lost more than that. Getting kicked out of the Academy, for something that doesn’t even affect me anymore and being lied to about it has made me lose my entire being. My soul, if you would believe that.
Imagine something being your entire life for three years, 1095 days. It surrounds you like the summer heat and humidity. You become trapped in that something to the point where you can’t even remember life in context without it.
When I looked back at my younger life, every moment was in preparation for the student that I would become at the Academy. Sure, I didn’t know I would end up there, but the universe knew. I had no friends in middle school, because I swam, and swimming helped me get into the Academy. Life at home gave me the strength to be able to decide that I wanted to escape to the Academy. Everything connected to the Academy, because the Academy was my entire life. The Academy was my savior, my salvation, from a home life that could be easily described as hell. The Academy was the light at the end of the tunnel and once I got there I did everything to make sure my entire future revolved around graduation from there.
Since I had no life at home, the Academy became my life. I was engulfed by the people, the culture, and the entire society. I worked hard to make sure that the Academy was the only life that I needed, and I loved every second of it. Even Sophomore year when I said that I hated the Academy, I still loved it like a baby loves its life. In a sense my life at the Academy was pure because I was experiencing friendship, intellect, teamwork, and love for the first time in my life and it was all happening all at once in the same place.
When I tried to kill myself on November 17th of Junior year it wasn’t because I hated the Academy and it wasn’t even because I wanted to die. I was simply overwhelmed. My social life was the best it had ever been, my sex life was amazing, I was making straight A’s, and on top of it all my sexual abuse was a storm inside of me that I couldn’t control. And on top of that the fall of my Junior year is when my Borderline Personality traits started to really exemplify themselves. So swallowing that bottle of tylenol wasn’t an attempt to end my life, it was a cry for help.
I spent my time in the loony bin because I knew it was something that I had to do in order to go back to the Academy. I went to therapy weekly, and to my psychiatrist monthly because I knew that in order to go back to the Academy I had to deal with my sexual abuse, which is something that I REALLY didn’t want to do. I subjected myself to weekly sessions of crying and emotional torment because I knew I had to get better in order to go back to the Academy. I sat through classes in Bronson as an empty zombie, because when I say that the majority of the students were dumber than bricks I’m not exaggerating. I got bullied almost every single day, I was called names and teased and taunted because I was smart and refused to give into a society that smokes weed and doesn’t care about school. I was able to make it through the day because I knew that I was going back to the Academy. I knew that I had to make it through this to show them that I was strong and stable enough to go back.
So when one of the counselors at the Academy told me she had talked to my psychiatrist and therapist and said that all I needed to come back was their conversation in letter form, I was ecstatic. I had calmed the storm that was my sexual abuse, I had survived school in Bronson, and my counselor from the Academy said me coming back shouldn’t be a problem. So when she emailed me a week later saying that the committee had decided not to let me back in because of some of my psychiatrist’s wording I was devastated. When I say devastated I mean, my entire life, everything that I knew, was suddenly gone from me. Everything that I love was being torn away from me. The next day I sent the most heartfelt letter that I’ve ever written to the associate head of school (he’s part of the committee) and he sent me a response that was curt and degrading. It seemed as if their decision was final, all because my psychiatrist put in his letter that I still cut. The Academy told me that his letter was the only reason I wasn’t being allowed back in. So when my psychiatrist called the school to explain that he thought the Academy was the best place for me they said their decision was final and they refused to listen to him. They also told him that there were multiple other factors as to why I was not being let back in.
It’s one thing to tear a persons life away from them, and to be rude about it. It’s another thing to lie out of your ass about it and not be honest. They have taken everything I love from me. My life went from being perfectly planned to more lost than a puppy in the streets of NYC in less than a week. I’d be more okay with their decision if they were at least honest with me about it. That would make it easier. It would make me feel less worthless. But instead, they’re lying to me about why I can’t come back and I’m left sitting here with no other explanation other than I’m just not good enough for them.
The Academy has destroyed me. The Academy has failed me. The Academy has taken away everything that I love. And they can’t even be honest about it. I am hurting. I’m in more pain than I’ve ever been in. The Academy has hurt me more than my rapist of three years ever did.
It’s hard to think of a future that doesn’t involve graduating from the Academy. Life will be harder now, and maybe I won’t get into the same colleges that I would have, but that doesn’t change that I will still be the first person from my family to graduate from college. It doesn’t change the fact that I am tough, and that I will fight for my life. Everything is gone, but I will keep fighting because that’s what I’ve done my entire life. The Academy is punishing me for something I had little control over. I will keep living and show them that this is their loss. They’re going to regret this decision, not me. I am done suffering and pitying myself. And they’ll be damned if they think this is the last they’ve heard of me.
Until Next Time,
Jane H. Blood