I’m sorry I failed. I’m sorry for letting you down. I’m sorry for not living up to expectations. I’m not sorry for myself. I’m not asking for attention. I’m not asking for help.
I don’t understand why this is so hard. I don’t understand why I don’t understand. I don’t know what to do next. I don’t know how to change. I don’t know how to be better. I don’t know how to improve. I don’t know how to succeed. I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to take hold. I don’t know how to be better.
This is a CAPS nightmare, with all these thoughts. I don’t care, really. The last month and a half have been, how to say it, the most informative that they could have been. Nightmarish, unbearable, depressing, lonely, informative, educational, eye-opening, unrealistic, stressful, exhausting, just to name a few. I’ve become better at pinpointing emotions such as disappointment and guilt, rather than the generic unhappy and upset. Positive emotion is a rarity. Almost like a needle in a haystack. I’m tired, nervous, stressed out, anxious, worried, ashamed, all at once. My hair is actually turning white; I have found at least three white hairs in the last month. Is this even worth the stress? This shouldn’t be this hard, and I don’t know why it is. Here’s hoping it gets better.
Please don’t try to get me to talk this out in any way, I just need to think it through.
I’ll See You,