Last night they started me on a new drug. They think something is wrong with my brain. Zoloft is for depression; it has outside causes. Putting me on a seizure med though? That implies that I’m batshit cray. It’s supposed to help with my mood swings. Maybe they’ll label me as bipolar today. There’s a new psych in today. She looks nice and fresh not old and crumbling like this place and their workers. There’s a girl here and I know the look on her face. She’s smug and righteous, believes the world belongs to her. Kind of like me, but I’m not crazy enough for the seclusion room. She thinks we are scared of her but I’m smart. Or in their words: I rationalize, intellectualize. I’m not scared. I’m more entertained than anything — watching and learning — maybe this will help me decide a college major.
This story doesn’t rhyme or flow. It is not good writing or at least I hope it’s not. If it is good, then society is skewed. Everyone knows that it is, but no one bothers to change it. They just complain and complain but don’t try to change. They just add more drugs to mask the problem. As if we don’t have enough masks already. There’s a girl here who thinks she’s so complex. Trying to scare us all, walking around thinking she knows better. She thinks her life has been so much worse than everyone else’s. An air of righteousness surrounds her because she is the queen in loony bin hierarchy, or at least she thinks she is.
Am I rationalizing, intellectualizing? Such a simple mask, so easy to read; is my brain my mask? Do I hide behind my writing and my book? Is Shakespeare my savior? At least I don’t believe in God. Schizophrenics treating kids with rough lives. It’s a horrible combination. Talking bad, people talk about her like she’s a ghost. Strange thing is, I don’t feel bad. I have no sympathy or empathy for her. This is just writing, a stream of thoughts.
This was supposed to be about Lamictal, oops. They started me on that drug. It’s supposed to stabilize my emotions, but here I am. I’m in control. I guess I tend to lose it. They say I’m over stimulated. How is putting me in a loony bin with so much to watch going to make me more stable?