When I walk through the University of Florida every day there are only two expressions that I see. People are either smiling, and seeming happy, or they have an expression which really reveals no emotion what so ever. Most of the time though, the people that I see are smiling. We all know that life isn’t perfect and that it can really suck, so how come I see all these smiling faces? It’s obvious that people often hide their real emotions. It’s probably needless for me to say that someone can be falling apart inside, but the only thing that everyone sees is a bright smile. There was once a time in everyone’s life when they didn’t know how to cover emotions, but of course we quickly learn that even if you show your true emotions to those who are supposed to keep you safe, even they may hurt you with it the next day.
So far in my life, I have had 3 major mental “breakdowns,” and the first two time I went to my mom for help. She was supposed to help me, and for one night she did. The morning after my first breakdown she threatened to put me into a mental institution because I wouldn’t stop talking back and she said that, “I really needed it.” The morning after my second (about 2 years later) she said that it was my fault that everyone that I have ever loved has left me. After my third, and arguable worst, breakdown I refused to go to my mom for help. I didn’t go to her for help, and I wasn’t going to, except when I starting coughing she woke up and came to see what was happening. What she found was a 16 year old girl sobbing about to rip her hair out and smash her head on the wall because a deathly fear of the dark had overtaken her body. My mom helped me figure out a way to sleep that night and then left. I avoided her the next day because I was scared of what she would say this time to hurt me.
After my third breakdown I was better off and got back on my feet quicker than after the first two. The last two times it took about a week for me to go back to being fully functional, but this time it only took about a day. It’s not because things got better though. I recovered quicker because I was able to take control of the situation and handle it better. I have always been afraid of the dark and my fear of it is still there, and it’s still just as bad as it was that night. I have been sleeping not because things got better, but because I gotten better at dealing with them. After my sexual abuse everyone said that my life will get better. They said that the horror is now gone and you can live normally. The thing is though, that’s not what happened. After the abuse ended my life got worse. My mom and I fought constantly because she was falling apart and took it out on me. Our house ended up going into foreclosure, and for a year or two I didn’t know whether I would have a house the next day. Don’t get me wrong, plenty of good things have happened in my life that I am very grateful for. I ended up on full financial aid at the Academy and I now live on a 10 acre ranch in Florida. Even with those great things, I don’t see my life as anything better than it was back then. My mom has a nack for marrying bitchy and horrible men, and I have to deal with her current husband. Sure, I should be grateful that he doesn’t abuse me, but he’s still a bad person. Two days after my third breakdown at breakfast he made a snide comment about how ridiculous it is that I’m scared of the dark. He said that I’m more scared of the dark than my little brother is and it’s something that 6 year olds are scared of, not 16 year olds. Although all this has happened the average person thinks my life has gotten better because that’s what I choose to show them. The only thing they see is the smile.
My mental state is worse than it has ever been, but I still show a smile to most to people. Most of the time my mom doesn’t even know how badly I’m doing. The thing is though everything above doesn’t really matter. Yes, it affects how I am inside, but it doesn’t affect my daily routine. Life has not gotten better, but I have gotten better at dealing with life. That’s really what I’m trying to say. I don’t believe that life gets better for anybody. It has its ups and downs, but overall it just sucks. I’m having trouble trying to describe what I want to say. It’s not really life that changes, it’s our perspective and how we handle life that changes. That’s why people go to therapy. They can’t change what happened to them, but they can try and look at it a different way or they can learn to deal with it better.
I’m not really sure what the point of all this was, but there it is. I’m really curious as to what other people think about life getting better, so feel free to comment!
Until Next Time,