Turns out, the last few days of high school are PACKED.
Let’s start from… when did I last post? I think it was Tuesday. Let’s go with that.
Wednesday was basically my final attempt at getting everything I needed to finish done. For me, this meant my writing project. I worked and worked and wrote about twenty pages in the span of a day or two, but the project was still not done. I probably could have written more, but I decided that it would be better to spend time with Rose. In the end, it was worth it. No one cared that I never actually finished my project.
I spent a lot of time with Rose, which was really great. She’s wonderful. Have I mentioned that? I don’t know what I’m going to do without her around. We are staying together as a couple. I’m really happy about that. She is incredibly caring and loving and I really want that in my life for as long as I can keep her around. Ideally, that’ll be a long time. I am going to do everything I can to be the best boyfriend I can be and to keep her in my life. I want her to stay.
I think I’m skipping some things about Wednesday (oh, right, there was a HUGE storm and everyone went mudsliding on the hill, which was pretty sweet even if I didn’t go…) but I am going to forget the details no matter what. How about we call it even and just move on to Thursday?
Okay, this is going to be a long description. Brace yourself.
Thursday began fairly late in the morning; Seniors didn’t have classes, so I slept in. After breakfast, I had a meeting with Victor, Fred, and Cynthia about RT 13. It was productive; we covered everything we needed to cover and I feel a lot more confident about the trip’s chances of success.
I spent most of the day packing up my room. All Seniors have to be off campus by 4:00 PM the day of Graduation, so I wanted to get started early. I broke down some of my furniture and packed a lot of my clothes. Then my parents and other family members arrived, so I started packing up the car and then we all went to dinner. The dinner was formal, and quite good. I really liked the rolls; the Academy always makes amazing rolls for formal dinners. As a swimmer, I think I could eat rolls (or any kind of bread, really) 24/7 for the rest of my life and be pretty happy. Possibly dead, though, which might be an issue.
After the dinner was an awards ceremony for Seniors. Fred won an award for being subtly awesome. I won an award for being conscientious and dutiful. Victor got a watch for being an unreal athlete. It was pretty sweet.
Afterwards, I sat with Rose for a while. We talked a little, mainly about how we felt about the impending reality of Graduation. Honestly, we were both in pretty good spirits (granted, she may have been acting, but I hope she wasn’t just pretending to be in a good mood for my sake. I tried to make her laugh, to take her mind off things, and to get a few good smiles out of her. She’s quite pretty when she smiles.)
Thursday Night to Friday Morning
At about 11 the whole Senior class gathered. Our head of school gave us some open-ended guidelines (suggestions?) on what to say and then let us free to speak to the group. A lot of people expressed their appreciation for their friends, people who’d helped them through tough times and always been there. I spoke, along with others, about going through really hard times (even at a place I really love) and how all the hugs and smiles from people around me helped me through that. (I was talking specifically about Sophomore year, which I have noted on here as a particularly difficult time in my life.)
Girl 1 spoke, but before I talk about that I feel that I should tell you her name: Nicole. I kept meaning to share it, and kept forgetting to do so. Well, Nicole gave me a shout-out (which made me feel a lot better, since I was about to say something about how wonderful she was.) She told me I was a great friend and that she had really appreciated the letter I had given her at the end of swim season. (At this point I was crying, so I got up from my seat and ran over and hugged her. This happened a lot through the night with all the shout-outs, which I thought was nice. Lots of hugging, lots of good feelings.) What she said was really nice and made me a bit more confident that she and others will stay in contact with me after Graduation.
There were a lot more shout-outs and confessions and feelings shared, and then this pizza truck arrived outside. We all went to get pizza, but first we grabbed our paper bags (earlier in the week, someone in our grade set up paper bags for each person. The idea was that underclassmen and other Seniors could put notes in the bag and then we would read them after the final gathering.) Some people had doubts that the bags would be used correctly (I heard from one Senior that they were worried that people would write mean things) but in my opinion they were used wonderfully. The messages were thoughtful and heartfelt (at least in my bag) and it was, in my opinion, a great chance to share any parting messages with the Seniors.
Now, while we were getting pizza, we continued talking. There was a lot of emotion in the crowd. A lot of the people I talked to were in tears, or near tears. I was really glad about one thing: everyone I talked to seemed genuinely happy to have known me. I’m glad that that’s how people felt, in the end. I have always striven, above all else, to make people happy (even if that doesn’t always seem to be my goal, it generally is) and in the end that’s apparently what came through. I got one note from a girl I am reasonably, but not very, good friends with; she talked about how I had always been nice to her, even though she didn’t consider us very good friends. She said that she hadn’t really understood why I had done that but finally realized that I was just a “good kid.” I really, really appreciated hearing that, because I had always tried really hard to be nice to her even though I didn’t think she liked me very much, and sometimes it seemed like she was bothered by my over-friendliness; obviously, in the end, the sentiment I was hoping for got through.
I thought the night was over. Then Mogui showed up.
If I remember correctly, she was already crying when she walked over to me. I was reading some of my notes (as it turns out, she’d written me one, but I hadn’t found hers yet) and I looked up and saw her standing there with tears in her eyes and a sad smile on her face. I’m going to be honest. I did not expect, at all, that she would come talk to me. Based on our interaction over the past year, it seemed like I had been entirely shut out of her life.
She basically came up to me and apologized for everything. (Her note said this, too.) She said that she’d made stupid mistakes in the past and she regretted them. I hugged her and said it was okay, and held her for what I hope wasn’t an awkwardly long amount of time while I tried to handle the giant whirlwind of thoughts in my head.
Mogui didn’t cause my depression. She wasn’t the root of why I was unhappy (I don’t think I will ever really understand that) and I know she didn’t intend to hurt me, really. But she did hurt me, so many times, and I thought that that was going to be it. She wasn’t really the cause of my problems, but she hurt me and made things worse when I was trying to make them better. I just started seeing her as this force that would make things worse, no matter what, and someone that was always against me. But then she apologized, and I understood that that wasn’t really true. She really, truly hadn’t meant to hurt me. She was aware that she had, and she felt bad about it. It was a really great moment for me, realizing that she wasn’t the enemy that I’d built her up to be in my mind. She was just my friend but things didn’t go well. In the end, I can live with that. I hope we can stay friends. She’ll be going to school near me, so maybe it’ll all work out well.
I think, with that, I was ready to graduate. The night wasn’t over… but this one is. I will post part 2 of this story tomorrow. As always, thanks for reading.