So as many of you followers have no doubt noticed, I have not posted for over a week now. There is a simple explanation for this: Distraction. My mind is arguably one of the most distracted minds on the planet. No, I do not have ADD or anything that would require a prescription, but I do this: Instead of putting my time towards useful endeavors, I find other, smaller tasks that usually amount to nothing. Like my addiction to online games or PC gaming. I usually invest WAAAY more time in those than I should, and granted (George will back me up on this) I’m good at gaming. People used to boot me from “Half Life: Deathmatch” games because they thought that I was cheating. And I have only become better. Sorry, no need to brag here. In Strike Force Heroes 2, my Sniper is level 50 and my other four soldiers are all level 21 or higher. So I’m getting there.
Another way I distract myself is through my friends. I will go all out to make sure that they are OK. There are even a handful for whom I would drive hours to make sure are OK. And they know that. But I will throw myself into my friendships if it means that I can help them, or even, selfishly, lose my own problems and become lost in theirs. I have known I do this since I was in 7th grade. I actively told myself that that’s what I want to do. I won’t care to be happy if I can help someone else first. Rose gave me the name “Mother Hen.” I like it, because it means that someone recognized that I do this. That also means though that now others see it, and in turn they want me to be happy. I can’t do that. I mentally can not be happy, or allow myself to be happy, until I know that they are themselves happy in their own lives. Which I know that they are not. Not yet at least. That is my mission, my major moral in life. Make others happy before I am happy. That’s why I don’t have time for other things, that’s why I distract myself. I don’t like dealing with the unhappiness. But it’s now too ingrained in my mind to change.
In an attempt to be happy, (and I know this will make readers happy), I finally asked out Beatrice on Saturday. Yes, I did it. I was incredibly nervous, and I couldn’t focus during classes the day of, but finally asking made me feel better. Her response, “Can I get back to you on that?” So… I knew where it was headed. I hate to sound like Victor, but I knew I wasn’t going to get a “Yes.” And lo and behold, not much longer than 20 minutes ago was that she can’t say yes because her best friend likes me and that she doesn’t have the time to devote to a serious relationship. I told her those were solid reasons, and in my mind I was thinking, “Her friend has liked me for over a year and has never done anything about it, and most of her time is going to the show, which I am also working on. We would be able to spend that time together, and still work on the show.” Later, I voiced this to Beatrice, and the faintest glimmer that she might say “Yes” appeared, but she remained steadfast in her decision. So, as a shout out to a post long-forgotten, “There isn’t a girl anymore“. This was not fast. It will be a slow realization that she will not say yes. I don’t want to rebound to someone else, but I really need a confidence boost now. I’ll talk to Amy, maybe she will can help, as she was one of the few who told me to go for it.
So I have been writing this post basically since I was rejected, and I still don’t know what to think. I had really hoped that she would say yes. Now I have to re-evaluate my Prom date, as I was going to ask Beatrice. I still can, but now I’m not sure. This will take some getting used to.
I’ll See You,